Stupendous

2012-02-12T17:47:00.002-05:00

Sure I make a 3 figure salary, but a lot of those figures are 8.

2011-11-22T11:48:00.002-05:00

Goldman Sachs should have an award for the employee who dresses the most business casual called the Golden Slacks Award. It would be a pair of golden slacks and a ten million dollar gift card to Brooks Brothers.

2011-07-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

It's not that the heat is unbearable, it's more that I've started to really enjoy opening the refrigerator door now.

2011-05-19T13:51:00.003-04:00

Here's another million dollar idea, use a computer's webcam to track user's eye movements to see where they are looking on the screen. With that there will be many ways to improve their experience, distractions can fade away, scrolling can be enhanced, different things can be highlighted, it would be some great info for a computer to have. This would be especially useful for systems with multiple monitors. People would freakout some, but if it's not recorded and it's useful it would be accepted.

WWAFD?

2011-05-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

What would Anal Fubundawhiler do?

2011-04-24T22:52:00.001-04:00

The woman was the dream I had,
though rather hard to keep,
I was watching her, but should I be counting sheep?

2011-04-24T16:41:00.001-04:00

I don't like it when girls refer to their booties as junk. They're not junk, they're great.

2011-04-08T07:02:00.000-04:00

Nobody ever made history by being a giant pussy.

2011-03-21T17:30:00.001-04:00

I'll be at the gym until I like myself.

Celebrities who look alike

2011-03-02T10:22:00.002-05:00

Maybe Hollywood produces two in case one is busy:
Topher Grace and Toby McGuire
Kirsten Dunst and Julia Stiles
Nick Nolte and Gary Busey
Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz
Marie Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen

2011-03-02T10:21:00.000-05:00

Do you think his porn name is Flacido Domingo?

2011-02-10T10:38:00.002-05:00

People date because 1)It's fun and 2)Mate selection. People break up because 1)An external situation 2)Incompatibility.

2011-02-03T14:00:00.000-05:00

Why doesn't your nose always smell like boogers?

2010-12-09T23:37:00.001-05:00

You don't need a great income to have a great outcome.

2010-10-01T23:29:00.001-04:00

If I had a sister she would be prettier than you.

2010-10-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

You slap my ass like I don't have big titties.

2010-09-30T13:56:00.002-04:00

If elected I will forever change the name of Penicillin to Penichillin.

2010-09-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

Jus got new smrtphone cant w8 to ignore gf at dinner

2010-09-22T12:10:00.002-04:00

I kind of want to build a 'sculpture' that has a tiny motor pick up a huge weight. It would be neat to show how power = torque * angular velocity. So if you just had the little motor you could stop it with your hand (low torque), but if you put enough gear reducers on it the final gear would move much slower, but it would have much higher torque and couldn't be stopped by your hand, but could pick up a heavy weight. I would need a dc power supply (have in the attic) a motor (I'm sure I could find), but the tricky part would be the gear reducers, I don't know where I'd get them from. It could be really cool, and lift like a 50lb weight over the course of a week (I'd could do the exact calculation).

2010-09-10T12:05:00.003-04:00

2010-09-10T12:05:00.001-04:00

Friend with a knife.

2010-09-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

I wrote you a love letter.
But I couldn't keep it under 160 characters.

2010-09-05T12:53:00.001-04:00

You're playing hard to like.

2010-08-20T11:48:00.001-04:00

Possible pet name:
1.Internet

2010-07-30T12:08:00.001-04:00

Have you seen my anus?

2010-07-24T12:06:00.000-04:00

I like slow dancing, because it's just hugging in circles.

Grad school grad mix:

2010-07-13T22:40:00.001-04:00

Mighty Boosh isolation, Biggie Gimmie loot, sex and violence, ride the tank to victory, wild life when we drove to a&p in the beginning, throat singing.

2010-07-02T11:44:00.001-04:00

Your nipples are ambiguous.

2010-04-26T00:05:00.002-04:00

Here is a million dollar idea: Have your computer connect effortlessly to your cellphone and have the cellphone o.s. appear right on the desktop so you can type in phone numbers and stuff faster. Essentially allow remote desktopping on to your cell phone.

2010-03-11T09:22:00.001-05:00

I'm tripping balls.

2010-01-27T00:11:00.000-05:00

One of the worst parts of ejaculating lightning is singed pubic hairs.

2010-01-12T00:24:00.001-05:00

Smart Alec Baldwin

2009-12-17T20:55:00.001-05:00

I wish I could walk a mile in your shoes
right out into the ocean
-A softer world

2009-11-10T14:06:00.000-05:00

My back hair is turning white, does that mean I'm gay?

2009-10-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

Salvidor Dali Llama

2009-09-19T13:47:00.001-04:00

My tooth brush is blue because I'm a boy, and your toothbrush is pink because you've got a little blood lust.

2009-09-19T13:44:00.001-04:00

One nation under God, plus Alaska...

2009-06-28T23:50:00.000-04:00

It's nice if your sweetheart is sweet.

2009-06-28T23:49:00.000-04:00

I look good, as long as you don't look too good.

2009-04-21T10:18:00.001-04:00

Every morning when I put on my pants I think, 'there's got to be a better way, I'm doing this like a peasant!'

2009-04-09T21:57:00.000-04:00

We all suffer in continents.

2009-03-12T20:16:00.001-04:00

I would like to see someone land a train in the Hudson.
-Christopher Walken

New Cocktail:

2009-02-22T15:25:00.000-05:00

Tequila Mockingbird

2008-12-01T23:31:00.000-05:00

How could you have a mullet and a redneck?

2008-11-16T16:42:00.000-05:00

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end - I wouldn’t be surprised."

- Dorothy Parker, writer and poet

2008-10-26T22:40:00.001-04:00

Cancel the Apocalypse, I've got a haircut emergency.

2008-09-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

Musical directions in Erik Satie's piano works:

"Wonder about yourself."
"Provide yourself with shrewdness."
"Alone, for one moment."
"Open the head."
"Superstitiously."
"In a very particular way."
"Light as an egg."
"Like a nightingale with a toothache."
"Moderately, I insist."
"A little bit warm."
"Very Turkish."

2008-08-11T10:15:00.000-04:00

Guys, this is hard for me to say, Gllkyrsvltyiintn

2008-05-18T01:16:00.000-04:00

Save a tree, make lamps out of cocks.

2008-05-04T02:11:00.002-04:00

If it's safe for the dishwasher, it's dishwasher safe.

2008-05-04T02:11:00.001-04:00

I smoke Dalai Llamas

2008-03-08T23:28:00.001-05:00

I adore her, she poops like a diplomat.

2008-01-23T19:50:00.000-05:00

I pee in the shower. Exclusively.

2007-12-18T14:21:00.001-05:00

We kissed. She melted. Mop please!

2007-11-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

I really hope no one sticks my thumb in your eye.

2007-10-26T16:57:00.001-04:00

Carelessness. I lost my one true love. I started drinking. The first thing I know, I'm in a card game. Then I'm in a crap game. I wake up in a pool hall. Then this big Mexican lady drags me off the table, takes me to Philadelphia. She leaves me alone in her house, and it burns down. I wind up in Phoenix. I get a job as a Chinaman. I start working in a dime store, and move in with a 13-year-old girl. Then this big Mexican lady from Philadelphia comes in and burns the house down. I go down to Dallas. I get a job as a "before" in a Charles Atlas "before and after" ad. I move in with a delivery boy who can cook fantastic chili and hot dogs. Then this 13-year-old girl from Phoenix comes and burns the house down. The delivery boy — he ain't so mild: He gives her the knife, and the next thing I know I'm in Omaha. It's so cold there, by this time I'm robbing my own bicycles and frying my own fish. I stumble onto some luck and get a job as a carburetor out at the hot-rod races every Thursday night. I move in with a high school teacher who also does a little plumbing on the side, who ain't much to look at, but who's built a special kind of refrigerator that can turn newspaper into lettuce. Everything's going good until that delivery boy shows up and tries to knife me. Needless to say, he burned the house down, and I hit the road. The first guy that picked me up asked me if I wanted to be a star. What could I say?

2007-10-19T18:15:00.000-04:00

If you are what you eat, then I'm going bananas.

2007-09-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

You can call late night- but only information.

2007-08-18T11:38:00.001-04:00

You are either awake or asleep. Tiredness is weakness.

2007-07-30T09:41:00.000-04:00

The new cereal from Quaker Oats: Genuflakes.

2007-07-29T22:24:00.000-04:00

Note to self: Take the train. No matter what. It will be easier.

2007-07-29T22:14:00.000-04:00

For a nude toll taker playing a no string guitar, you ain't bad.

2007-06-24T02:39:00.000-04:00

UNITED ARAB EMIRATES alternates vowels and consonants.

2007-06-17T02:20:00.000-04:00

You can't step into the same river twice, but you can row down it gently.

2007-06-16T01:22:00.001-04:00

The first rule of Polite Club: Don't talk about Polite Club. Please.

2007-06-03T18:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Lauren Bacall,
......I cannot recall,
the last time I said...

-I love you

2007-05-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

You are pregnant with meaninglessness.

2007-05-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

Life is what happens while you're waiting for moments that never come. -Freamon

2007-05-15T11:52:00.000-04:00

You're mom is so dumb it took her half an hour to make 30 minute rice.

2007-05-01T00:34:00.001-04:00

When you think about it, we're all pretty much the same shaved and naked in a dark room.

2007-04-23T16:39:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one out there that is pro disestablishmentarianism?

2007-04-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

Today I showered twice.

2007-04-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

I really, REALLY want to go to Fraggle Rock. RIGHT NOW!!!!!

2007-04-10T14:22:00.001-04:00

It looks like you have assburgers' disease

2007-04-10T00:38:00.000-04:00

My glasses are made of plastic, and the forks don't spark in the microwave.

2007-04-04T22:52:00.000-04:00

Let me show you what the inside of a poem looks like.

2007-03-28T14:44:00.000-04:00

Your vagina gives me angina

2007-03-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

You think back when he was using he was known as the Obamanable Snowman?

2007-03-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

Are you eye fuckin' me? I'm 'bout to make you cadaverous.

2007-02-11T12:16:00.000-05:00

I wonder if people in Germany who herd sheep realize that that is funny.

2007-02-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

Scientists predict by 2020 everyone will have perfect vision.

2007-02-05T13:23:00.000-05:00

I just froze off my Bazongers.

2007-02-04T01:48:00.001-05:00

Are the new viewers here yet?

2006-11-26T02:02:00.000-05:00

Why should women be judges?
Ans: Because they are the fairer sex.

2006-11-10T00:09:00.000-05:00

We are champions of our destiny.

What a douche blog.

2006-11-05T22:05:00.000-05:00

2006-11-05T20:57:00.000-05:00

Everytime you masturbate it shakes the house.

2006-11-02T14:08:00.000-05:00

I hate to tell you this, but in your life time, you will really only know 15 belts.

Surgeon General's Warning:

2006-10-24T00:14:00.000-04:00

Women should not consume alcohol if they wish to remain not pregnant.

2006-10-16T23:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah. Motherfuckers better know... uh, uh. Lock your windows,
close your doors. Biggie Smalls, uh...yeah.

My man Inf left a Tec and a nine at my crib
Turned himself in, he had to do a bid
A one-to-three, he be home the end of '93
I'm ready to get this paper, G, you with me?

Motherfucking right, my pocket's looking kind of tight
and I'm stressed, yo Biggie let me get the vest

No need for that, just grab the fucking gat
The first pocket that's fat the Tec is to his back
Word is bond, I'm a smoke him yo don't fake no moves (what?)
Treat it like boxing: stick and move, stick and move

Nigga, you ain't got to explain shit
I've been robbin motherfuckers since the slave ships
with the same clip and the same four-five
Two point-blank, a motherfucker's sure to die
That's my word, nigga even try to bogart
have his mother singing "It's so hard..."

Yes, love love you're fucking attitude
because the nigga play pussy that's the nigga that's getting screwed
and bruised up from the pistol whipping
welts on the neck from the necklace stripping
Then I'm dipping up the block and I'm robbing bitches too
up the herring bones and bamboos
I wouldn't give fuck if you're pregnant
Give me the baby rings and a #1 MOM pendant

I'm slamming niggaz like Shaquille, shit is real
When it's time to eat a meal I rob and steal
'cuz Mom Duke ain't giving me shit
so for the bread and butter I leave niggaz in the gutter
Huh, word to mother, I'm dangerous
Crazier than a bag of fucking Angel Dust
When I bust my gat motherfuckers take dirt naps
I'm all that and a dime sack, where the paper at?

Big up, big up, it's a stick up, stick up
and I'm shooting niggaz quick if you hiccup
Don't let me fill my clip up in your back and head piece
The opposite of peace sending Mom Duke a wreath
You're talking to the robbery expert
Stepping to your wake with your blood on my shirt
Don't be a jerk and get smoked over being resistant
'cuz when I lick shots the shits is persistent

Huh, goodness gracious the papers
Where the cash at? Where the stash at?
Nigga, pass that before you get your grave dug
from the main thug, .357 slug
And my nigga Biggie got an itchy one grip

One in the chamber, 32 in the clip
Motherfuckers better strip, yeah nigga peel
before you find out how blue steel feel

from the Beretta, putting all the holes in your sweater
The money getter motherfuckers don't have better
Rolex watches and colourful Swatches
I'm digging in pockets, motherfuckers can't stop it

Man, niggaz come through I'm taking high school rings too
Bitches get strangled for they earrings and bangles
and when I rock her and drop her I'm taking her door knockers
And if she's resistant "baka! baka! baka!"

So go get your man bitch he can get robbed too

Tell him Biggie took it, what the fuck he gonna do?

I hope apologetic or I'm a have to set it
and if I set it the cocksucker won't forget it

Man, listen all this walking is hurting my feet
But money looks sweet (where at?) in the Isuzu jeep

Man, I throw him in the Beem, you grab the fucking C.R.E.A.M
and if he start to scream "bam! bam!", have a nice dream
Hold up, he got a fucking bitch in the car
Fur coats and diamonds, she thinks she a superstar

Ooh Biggie, let me jack her, I kick her in the back
Hit her with the gat...

Yo chill, Shorty, let me do that...
Just get the fucking car keys and cruise up the block
The bitch act shocked, gettin shot on the spot
(Oh shit! The cops!) Be cool, fool
They ain't gonna roll up, all they want is fucking doughnuts
(So why the fuck he keep lookin?) I guess to get his life tooken
I just came home, ain't trying to see Central Booking
Oh shit, now he lookin in my face
You better haul ass 'cuz I ain't with no fucking chase
So lace up your boots, 'cuz I'm about to shoot
A true motherfucker going out for the loot

I Don't Front

2006-10-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you right now. My thread count is 10,000 and I eat flowers for breakfast. My car is a limited edition Eddie Bauer Land Rover and I shave every day of my life. My audio cables are gold plated.

2006-10-14T00:34:00.000-04:00

You: I like my women like I like my Olive Oil.
Me: How's that?
You: I don't want to talk about it.

2006-10-11T21:23:00.000-04:00

It's either Lou Gehrig's disease or A.L.S. pick one people!

2006-10-08T21:35:00.000-04:00

I am an anarchist.

2006-10-01T21:54:00.000-04:00

In my bathtub I'm the Captain.

2006-09-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

You know who really has freedom? Osama Bin Laden.

Bumper Sticker Idea

2006-09-06T15:21:00.000-04:00

My other car is the mother fuckin tank.

Your Father's Wu-Tang Name

2006-08-28T23:10:00.000-04:00

Ghostface Ace
Method Stan
Rza
Gza
Inspector Deck
U' A Dirty Bastard
Corey Woods
Shaolin Alan

2006-08-27T14:26:00.000-04:00

A Bobcat is hardly a suitable pet.

Bobcat Goldthwait

2006-08-19T16:21:00.000-04:00

my vice grips